stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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