He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He passed out mid-signature
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
