paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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