I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
