I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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