What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think i got beer on your cat.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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