My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
