I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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