you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
