Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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