I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
