In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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