Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
