I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
