Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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