I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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