You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
