Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Is it because I queefed?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
im on a boat
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