if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
