Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
