one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
