I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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