So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
