I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
