Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
she peed on how many people?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Randomize
