I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
