Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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