I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
