My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
