Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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