You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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