apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
