I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
