He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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