I will die if light touches me.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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