HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
