I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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