What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
