How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
