I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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