There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
