Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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