fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize