woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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