Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
