Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Even my vagina gasped.
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We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
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Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Someone signed my nipple.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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