how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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