i would punch a child for taco bell
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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