Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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