Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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