guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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