I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
