you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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