Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
