nut hugger
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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